


Hurt (Me and You)

by klixxy



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Rejection, Song Lyrics, Vague, Yuzuru Hanyu Misses Javier Fernández, Yuzuru Hanyu-centric, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21594202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klixxy/pseuds/klixxy
Summary: I hurt myself todayHe tears at his hair, letting his tears drip like oil from his cheeks and stain the floor.It hurts.Hehurts.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Hurt (Me and You)

**Author's Note:**

> yeahhhh so i've had this draft on my computer for so long and i was going through my docs and i just saw this and i was like??? what is this???  
> and yeaaaaaa i guess i've finished it? its kinda crappy tho ;-;
> 
> song: Hurt by Johnny Cash

**I hurt myself today**

He tears at his hair, letting his tears drip like oil from his cheeks and stain the floor. 

It hurts. 

_He_ hurts.

**To see if I still feel**

That Spanish flag hangs high above his head as he carves his way through the ice, the familiar sound of his skates trailing paper-thin lines behind him as he goes into spin after spin. 

The bright colors of red and yellow, never failing to bring a grin to his face, feel as if they are betraying him.

**I focus on the pain**

The rink feels empty without him by his side. 

**The only thing that's real**

There is a space next to him, on the other side of the rink, a locker across the room, a shower stall, so much time, so much that is lost.

So much emptiness.

**The needle tears a hole**

He stares, fingers hovering above the keypad. The name above the opened chatroom looks up at him teasingly.

_Javi /( * o * )/_

**The old familiar sting**

_Those beautiful, swirling brown eyes stare at him, something breaking within their depths. Yuzuru feels as if someone has reached into his chest and ripped apart his heart with their bare hands._

_“You don’t love me?”_

**Try to kill it all away**

Skating. He has to focus on skating. He has to master the quad axel, he has to get all of his other quads straight after those hard months with his ankle. He has to… He has to…

But Javi.

**But I remember everything**

_“I can’t, Javi. You have to understand.”_

**What have I become**

He remembers all those days that went by, those months after Cup of China, months after his ankle gave out on him, with Brian and Tracy and Javi. He remembers those promises _‘Podium with you’_ , remembers that friendly rivalry.

Remembers Javi’s face when he turned him away.

**My sweetest friend**

He was so selfish.

**Everyone I know**

So, so, selfish.

**Goes away in the end**

And after everything. After those six years, those awkward days of winning and losing and joking and hating…

In the end, he’d pushed _him_ away too.

Like he always did.

**And you could have it all**

He would give it all up. His two Olympic medals. His Worlds title. All those Grand Prix’s he won. All those medals gaining dust as they sit their on his shelf, long forgotten. Those dozens of prizes, the millions of Poohs that rain down on the ice.

He would give it all up.

All of it.

If it was for him.

**My empire of dirt**

And yet, yet...

**I will let you down**

He knows who he is. He knows what kind of person he is. He knows what kind of person _Javi_ is. 

He knows how hurtful he is: cold, distant Yuzuru Hanyu. He knows just how selfish, just how monstrous.

He knows all he would do is hurt Javi.

All he would do is break him.

Like he broke everything else.

**I will make you hurt**

Even if Javi loved him, and oh, did Yuzuru love him back. But even with how much his heart beat for Javi and how much he wanted to hold those large, warm hands, how much his face blushed when they would hug and he would laugh that loud, perfect laugh of his…

He knows he can’t.

He can’t do that to Javi.

He can’t do that to himself.

**I wear this crown of thorns**

Sometimes he looks back upon all of his medals, glimmering upon his shelf. They shine back at him coldly; days of tears and work and pain. Days and weeks and years. 

His entire youth.

His heart feels heavy, and he feels like he is holding the weight of the very stars that had spurred him on, all those years ago, upon his shoulders.

**Upon my liar's chair**

All the sacrifices he’s made; leaving Sendai even through its water-clogged streets and cracking roads, leaving behind Japan, the only place he’d ever known. Throwing himself into a world he couldn’t understand, a language he couldn’t speak, people he didn’t know. Distancing himself from the world, from his teammates, from his mother.

From Javi.

**Full of broken thoughts**

He feels as if he is a thousand years old.

He wonders: Is it worth it?

**I cannot repair**

Had it ever been worth it?

**Beneath the stains of time**

_“I love you.”_

**The feelings disappear**

_“You are the most beautiful man I have ever known”_

_“Corazón… “_

_“Mi vida…”_

**You are someone else**

_“I can’t, Javi… You have to understand.”_

**I am still right here**

_“Gomen… gomenasai… hontoni…”_

**What have I become**

The wind brushes his hair as he skates backwards. He digs his toepick into the ice and launches into a jump.

 _“You don’t love me?”_ A broken whisper.

He crashes.

**My sweetest friend**

Again.

_Hurt brown eyes, shimmering with tears._

_“But…”_

Crash.

**Everyone I know**

Again.

_“You… I thought…”_

Crash.

**Goes away in the end**

Again.

_“You thought wrong.”_

Bruises on his ribs, bruises on his heart.

_“You don’t love me?”_

He crashes.

This time he doesn’t get up.

**And you could have it all**

What he would give, for just a bit longer to hold his hand, to feel the intoxicating warmth of Javi’s hand, seeping through his clothes through the icy bite of the rink.

What he would give, to let himself love him.

**My empire of dirt**

He skates magic onto the rink.

**I will let you down**

He skates bruises and cuts and scars onto the canvas of his pale skin.

Skates invisible, slashing wounds into his heart.

Skates blooming purple flowers across his arms.

**I will make you hurt**

Yuzuru Hanyu had learned, early on, that he had never been meant to love.

All he did was break those around him.

All he did was love.

And love hurt.

**If I could start again**

If he could go back all those years to those first few months in Toronto, where he was just that skinny Japanese prodigy kid.

**A million miles away**

Where he wasn’t two-time Olympic Champion, two-time World Champion, countless National Champion.

**I will keep myself**

Where he wasn’t Yuzuru Hanyu.

**I would find a way**

Then maybe, _just maybe_ he could have loved him, the way he wanted to. Maybe, he could have held his hand underneath the light of a million stars and kissed him under the silver light of the moon, tasting his lips as he giggles into his mouth. Maybe, he could have let himself be weak, be normal, be someone Javi _deserves._

Maybe, he could have responded the way he truly wanted to, that night in the locker room.

Maybe, maybe, _maybe_ ,

He could have let himself

love

him.

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_“You don’t love me?”_

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_“I love you more than you could ever imagine.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Corazon: Baby (term of endearment) (Spanish)
> 
> Mi Vida: My life (Spanish)
> 
> Gomen: I'm sorry (informal) (Japanese)
> 
> Gomenasai: I'm sorry (formal) (Japanese)
> 
> Hontoni: Really, truly (Japanese)


End file.
